I had a particularly, oh, let’s call it awful date recently, mostly because the man involved opened his mouth and spoke. He was fairly decent looking, educated, owned his own business. We apparently knew some of the same people.
But when he spoke, it was awful. He was lewd and crass and just plain disrespectful. For the first time ever, I ended a date early.
A few days later he actually sent me a text that said, “I really don’t understand what happened.” When I explained to him that telling a woman you want to put your “skin boat” in her “tuna chute,” or suggesting that we “go back to my place and f*** before (your headache) gets really bad,” aren’t things that are appreciated on just the second date, he took offense.
“You really need to look up the definition of sarcasm,” he said. “Good luck in the future, but you’re really going to need to lighten up if you think someone is going to be serious long-term.”
First: I shared my Date from Hell story with a friend who has an online forum on which she posts questions or situations and asks her more than 4,600 followers for comments and suggestions. My date story netted 55 responses in the first two hours, probably 80 percent of which were from men who were mortified that this guy was representing their species.
A few days later, I shared his text comments with my own friends – most of whom laughed at the idea that I needed to look up the definition of sarcasm.
“Wait … did he meet you?” one friend asked.
“Clearly he doesn’t realize you are the queen of sarcasm,” said another.
One friend won the Internet with this response:
“That’s like someone telling Kim Kardashian to look up “social media” and that she needs to “promote herself more strongly.”
You get the idea. I know my way around the sarcasm block.
But to prove my point, and my true understanding of the art of sarcasm, I’m putting his comments to the test with what I really should have said.
Sleaze, not sarcasm: “I want to put my skin boat in your tuna chute.”
Sarcasm: “That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard. Did you get that from Keats?”
Sleaze, not sarcasm: (To waiter in restaurant) “We’re going to drink some here, drink some somewhere else, and if I’m lucky we’ll go hook up after.”
Sarcasm: “And if I’m really lucky he’ll pass out and the only ‘hook-up’ he’ll get is from a tow truck as he’s sitting on the side of the road.”
Sleaze, not sarcasm: (After hearing about my growing headache) “We should just go to my place and f*** now then, before it gets too bad.”
Sarcasm: “Well, since you’re the one giving me the headache, I’m not sure that will help.”
The fun part of all of this is that I know he truly believes he’s quite the catch. I know this because he told me so – twice.
I wished him luck finding any woman who would appreciate his brand of humor, to which he replied that maybe he should “try out for the other team.”
“Good luck with that,” I said.
That was sarcasm.